i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say