I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
