She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
