I didn't shave. On purpose
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
