woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
