I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
