I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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