the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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