I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
