so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
