the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
