I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
