o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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