i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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