M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
