I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
