I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
