I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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