no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
