Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
