tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
