I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
