someone threw a dead crab at me
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
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