I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.