my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
