I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
