Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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