I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
you win again, gameday.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I have already put on my inside pants.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
that is very illegal...i love you.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
