my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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