I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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