I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
