my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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