The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Randomize
