My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Randomize
