1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
