remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
