My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
