Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
