: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
