Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
