The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize