make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
