I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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