I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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