i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
