I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
