im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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