I faked an abortion last night.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
