Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I party with great urgency now.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
