Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
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You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
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do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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