Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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