and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
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