i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
