i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
