i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
