I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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