I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
