come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
