hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
