dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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