I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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