Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
